feelings

There are times when we have doubts with our decision and our beliefs. This beliefs that we are holding on is it really correct? how would it affect others? When a situation happens and it requires immediate decision, did you always made the right ones or the wrong ones?

Late at night or you might call in early in the morning, i am sitting down in front of my computer and all these sudden thoughts just came and crush into my tiny brain. And so i decided to post about it just to record down my feelings at this moment. Sometimes i will have some doubts about the choice i made for my life about the way i act, the principles and belief that i am holding tightly, and the choices i made. Well, is it right for me? or maybe i should change? well that's not a question for me to answer. Because one of the principle of mine is that other people matters a lot more than myself, i dunno where i get this principle from but it actually guided me for all these years. Now, I am sitting here feeling so exhausted and tired of what i did and what i am planning to do.. it just so uncomfortable.

Everytime when i had to fake a smile to people it actually takes up a lot of me. When the results are bad, the parents are not understanding enough, or even having a hard time with the relationship (currently single, so nth to worry about), is there anything i can do to release it? Well last time i used sports. but now sports is not an option anymore because i dun have my kaki-kaki that will accompany me. This morning i tried to study, the end result was almost 2 hours for less than one chapter. Never ever in my life that i feel that i am so useless, i have no mood, no determination, no pressure to study. The fear of getting poor results is not enough to push me.. So who can help me now?

So who do i seek advise from when i am in this situation? God? i dun think so. Parents? I never let them see that i have a problem. Friends? For them, I am just a happy child..

Life goes on with full of surprises and i shall not give up my idiotic principle and continue my life. Well lets just leave all these questions to my fate and hope that someday i will get an answer from somebody or somewhere..

A friend of mine just get approved by UM, she's so happy about it and i think she will strive till the end.. Congratz pipoh kw, now i have less things to worry when i'm in UK since you are on your way to a better future.

haiz..

I wonder why people always tell me that 'SPM is tough pre-u will have culture shock but when you get to degree it will be easy'

THIS IS BULL SHIT !!!

i feel like kena cheated kau kau man.. i got past SPM like normal only, pre u is just as fun as any high school years. but DEGREE omg is killing man, aiks the 8 to 5 class i had adjusted myself to it. the tough syllabus also can cope with it, but the final exam and the assignment is killing me. MOB please dun fail me cos i need you so much, muaks muaks .. (guess i'd gone nuts) well after MOB i'm going to target the final examination, for 19 years i never feel the urge to study b4 this is the 1st time and seriously i DUN LIKE this feeling. hmm is this wat they called stress, haih i'm so sure about it cos somehow a part of me is still having fun despise the exam is approaching.

People i may seems to be strong, but sometimes i wish i can be weak also. Cos being strong is taking up a lot of my energy, the ego and pretending sometimes is just too much for me to bear..
haih, anyhow i still like to qoute this " Life is full of surprises" so dun give up Esther/yan. hehe i'm talking to myself .. WTH

lol ciaoz.. wish me luck in the MOB presentation !!

Life

today is Hh bday and yest 11.30pm, kw Jian n Hh stomp into my house well we had a nice nite and v celebrate both jian n hh bday together. aiks just when i tot that life is so beutiful something hit me down so hard that i can hardly breath when i saw that. Just one day and i'm feeling damn shitty now, the reason is something to do with studies, did i do not enough work or is just the fate that i cant get it. well seriously i dun know, cos it happens to me like quite many times, every time something good happen it wont last long. Cos it will soon followed by a tsunami that will sink and destroy everything including hope.

Aiks for once, i think i deserve better !!!